This has to be one of the best pieces of non-fiction I've ever read!=20
Hysterical! And we in the US castigate *our* postal service=2E=2E=2Ewe sh=
ould
try to send mail from any other country=2E Puts the USPS in a completely
different light! Thanks, Frank! LMFAO!
Regards,
Gary
Original Message:
-----------------
From: Frank Gruendel fg2_at_pda-soft=2Ede
Date: Thu, 7 Nov 2002 22:51:44 +0100
To: newtontalk_at_newtontalk=2Enet
Subject: [NTLK] Long and (slightly) off-topic: Monday morning at the post
office
In fact, this story is far from off-topic=2E The package described
contained 10 refurbished MP2100 battery packs=2E=2E=2E
Monday morning at the post office
This story is not a work of fiction=2E Names, places and incidents are not=
a
product of the author's
imagination, neither are they used fictitiously=2E Any resemblance with
actual events or places or
persons, living or dead, is far from coincidental=2E
It is Monday morning=2E Frank, about to leave the breakfast table:
"By the way=2E=2E=2E if you hear a loud bang coming from a southeastern di=
rection
within
the next half hour, accompanied by a bright flash, don't worry=2E This is
just because I have blown the supermarket off the face of the earth=2E"
Immediately his wive's facial expression changes into a deep-felt pity=2E
"Package again, honey?"
Frank, grumbling, his facial expression resembling that of a Roman gladiat=
or
immediately prior to his first encounter with the lions:
"Yeah, package again!"
"Well=2E=2E=2E good luck!"
The impression that the corners of his wife's mouth have moved a fraction =
of
an inch towards a hardly suppressed chuckle probably being not substantial=
enough for a divorce, all Frank replies is a clipped "Thanks," followed by=
an equally clipped "Bye=2E"
"Bye, honey=2E Good luck!"
On the road Frank occupies whatever brain cells are not currently required=
for driving with an attempt to convince both his conscious and his
subconscious mind that this time all is going to go well=2E Even though hi=
s
local post office was closed forever last year and replaced by a counter i=
n
the local supermarket=2E Right next to where the vegetables are sold=2E St=
affed
with a never ending variety of former supermarket employees=2E
Frank enters the supermarket and makes his way to the counter next to the
veggies=2E While the lady behind the counter deals with another customer
attempting to buy stamps, he has ample time to watch both onions and carro=
ts
being restocked=2E Then it is his turn=2E
Frank, cheerfully: "Good morning!"
The lady behind the counter, looking like someone who has recently been
forced to swallow half a lemon: " 'rning!"
"I would like to send this to the United States=2E Insured=2E Would that b=
e
possible if sent as 'small package'?"
Frank is of course perfectly aware that small packages can't be insured ev=
en
if sent within Germany=2E This question is his standard opening to get an =
idea
of his opponent's qualification=2E
"Ermmm=2E=2E=2E small packages can't be insured=2E Even if sent within Ger=
many=2E"
Obviously the lady behind the counter has been working there for more than=
a
day=2E Maybe, just maybe this time=2E=2E=2E
"Ok, that leaves us with an insured maxi letter, I guess?"
The lady puts the package on a scale and eyes it suspiciously=2E Frank has=
the
deja vu expression that she isn't aware of the fact that the added width,
length and height of a maxi letter can be 36 inches=2E And that
rectangular shapes are perfectly legal=2E
"That's no letter!"
"Why not?"
"It's too big=2E"
"Excuse me, but the added width, length and height of a maxi letter can be=
36 inches=2E"
The lady starts hitting her computer keyboard vigourously=2E
"Oh=2E You are right=2E"
Nothing else, just a measly "you are right"=2E Considering the fact that
Frank has just provided information
that might well be an important step forward in this lady's career, Frank
would have considered some expression of gratitude appropriate=2E
Meanwhile the lady continues watching the package on the scale=2E Maybe sh=
e is
hoping that it will eventually gain the 6 ounces required to make it
heavier than the allowed maximum weight of 35 ounces for maxi letters=2E
Obviously, this is not going to happen within any amount of time worth
waiting for, so the lady starts attacking her keyboard again=2E
"You can't send an insured letter to the United States=2E"
"Eh=2E=2E=2E why not, please? Your price brochure says that insurance for
international letters is DM 3=2E00 for each 200 DM of insured value?"
"Yes, but=2E=2E=2E"
"And last week I was able to send an insured letter to England just fine? =
"
"=2E=2E=2E I can't find it in my computer!"
"But=2E=2E=2E"
"Ah! Here! This footnote says 'Not possible to all countries'! "
"I see=2E To which countries, then, is sending an insured maxi letter from=
Germany possible?"
"=2E=2E=2E I can't find it in my computer!"
"Neither was I able to find this information anywhere in your brochure=2E =
Does
that mean that the only way to find out whether I can send an insured lett=
er
to a particular country is by coming here and hoping you will find it in
your computer?"
"=2E=2E=2E"
Frank starts concentrating on his breath=2E Deeply and evenly=2E In and ou=
t=2E In
and out=2E Deeply and evenly=2E Eventually the frantic urge to jump over t=
he
counter and do something terrible subsides=2E
A stifled snicker can be heard from behind=2E Frank turns around=2E About =
10
people are lining up behind him, grinning more or less openly=2E This migh=
t
explain the lady's growing nervousness and the tiny beads of sweat that ha=
ve
been forming on her forehead lately=2E
With a superhuman effort Frank manages to remain polite=2E
"So, there is no way of sending something to the US of A with insurance?"
"Oh yes, there is!"
After some seconds of puzzlement Frank realizes that the lady is not going=
to provide any further information on this topic volontarily=2E
"And which delivery form, please, would that be?"
"A value parcel=2E"
"Well=2E=2E=2E how much would that be?"
After some more keyboard hacking the lady discloses the fee=2E As
said fee isn't her fault, Frank does his best to suppress a
hysterical fit of laughter=2E It would be way cheaper to reimburse the
recipient with the original purchase price if the letter was lost=2E
Considering the fact that the queue behind him has reached the tomatoes by=
now,
further considering that he is expected in an important meeting that is
scheduled 40 minutes and 22 miles away from where he currently is,
Frank decides that this situation calls for some kind of shortcut=2E
"Well, actually, I'm afraid this is not an option=2E So it will be a small=
parcel after all=2E How much would that be?"
"DM 19=2E00"
"Ok, that sounds good=2E"
Clicketyclick=2E Click=2E Clicketyclicketyclicketyclick=2E Backspace=2E Cl=
ick?
Backspace=2E Backspacebackspace=2E Click!
"Do you want to send it express?"
"How much would that be extra?"
"DM 4=2E00"
"Great, then I'd like to send it express!"
The lady, obviously relieved that she was able to offer something helpful
for a change, eagerly resumes her clicking=2E
"Do you want the recipient to confirm reception with his signature?"
Frank, hoping for the remote possibility that by now the lady might have
become aware of his keen interest in prices, does not answer immediately=2E=
This conversation gap allows him to realize that the queue members that ar=
e
out of earshot are beginning to show definite signs of hostility towards
him, just like the customers who are trying to reach the bread counter
which by now it is effectively blocked by the queue=2E
"How much extra would that be?"
Clicketyclick=2E Click=2E Backspace=2E
"DM 3=2E00"
"Sounds good!"
Clickclickclickdelete=2E
"Do you want a written acknowledgement of the confirmation sent back to
you?"
In and out=2E Slowly and easily=2E In and out=2E Frank does his best to bl=
ock
everything
remotely related to package delivery from his mind for the time being and
starts
concentrating on something nice and peaceful=2E
After a few seconds of mentally hiking in New Zealand, though, the
increasing
annoyance level behind him brings him back to reality=2E
"How much extra would that be?"
"DM 3=2E00=2E"
"Ok, great!"
Clicketyclicketyclick=2E Backspace=2E Clickclick=2E
"So=2E=2E=2E The total is DM 44=2E00=2E"
"Erm=2E=2E=2E excuse me, but=2E=2E=2E DM 19=2E00 for the package plus DM 4=
=2E00 for sending
it express plus DM 3=2E00 for the confirmation plus DM 3=2E00 for sending =
the
confirmation back should be something around DM 29=2E00 I think?"
"DM 19=2E00 is only for packages with a weight of 25 oz or less=2E"
Frank suddenly feels a distinctive wetness spreading over the back of his
neck=2E
This is the result of the fact that the guy immediately behind him has
finally lost the fight for keeping up his self-control=2E Laughing
hysterically, while at the same time trying to keep his mouth shut,
he is giving an impression of someone slightly mentally challenged=2E Taki=
ng
into
account that '34=2E4 oz' has been shining in large green digits on
the lady's scale for a considerable length of time already, his sudden
outburst of humor is hardly surprising=2E
As to the wetness on his neck, Frank doesn't care=2E Neither is he afraid =
of
the queue anymore, although a shy glance backwards shows that it has
reached the entrance by now, making it impossible to estimate its real
length=2E All of a sudden, things have turned surreal=2E Frank is floating=
above the whole scene, looking down on himself, the lady and the scale, it=
s
large green digits mockingly twinkling=2E The sounds are as muffled as the=
y
were
when he practiced diving in his bathtub as a small boy, and all the
colors are much brighter=2E Not many things more unimportant
than packages, scales or ladies these days=2E What a perfect day for hikin=
g=2E
"Sir? Sir?? Are you feeling well, Sir?"
While Frank is pulling himself slowly, inch by painful inch, back down int=
o
the cruel world of
reality, the guy behind him quite unexpectedly decides to come to his aid=2E=
"Look, lady, let me assure you that up to a minute ago I have enjoyed this=
little play tremendously,
but unfortunately enjoying plays is not what I am getting paid for=2E And
this gentleman's package is,
in all likeliness, not going to change its weight in the foreseeable
future=2E So would you PLEASE see
to getting it on its way so that I might have a chance to buy my stamps
before I get fired?"
Silence=2E Then more silence=2E
The lady slowly turns her head to look at the source of this unexpected
intrusion - neither angrily
nor defiantly, though=2E In fact she appears meek and subdued=2E Maybe Fra=
nk's
continued politeness
hasn't been a good idea to start with=2E There are people like that=2E Peo=
ple
you get along with better
if you adress them firmly and with contempt=2E
"Well=2E=2E=2E sure, Sir=2E We will take care of your stamps in a second=2E=
Sorry for
keeping you waiting!
This will be DM 35=2E00, Sir=2E"
It takes some seconds until Frank finally gets both his feet back on the
ground, but eventually he
realizes that the lady's last sentence was directed at himself, not at the=
guy behind him=2E Without a
word he gets out his wallet and pays, making sure to fumble for the exact
amount=2E Calculating any
amount of change, let alone the correct one, might turn out as being a
challenge that the lady might
not be able to meet, and why take chances=2E A small bright ray of hope ha=
s
found its way into Frank's
otherwise still fairly clouded mind=2E
Clicketyclick=2E Click=2E
"What?!" Backspaceclick=2E "Ah!"=2E
A label is printed=2E Silently and with utmost efficiency the lady sticks =
it
on the parcel=2E Then she
opens a drawer, takes out a list, puts it on the counter and starts
studying it scrutinizingly,
frowning and clucking the tip of her tongue against her upper and lower
incisors with surprising
speed=2E
Frank knows this list, and he has learned to hate it=2E
It contains instructions on how to reach different postage charges with as=
few stamps as possible,
one of the very few remaining challenges for former supermarket employees
these days=2E Frank, having
once learned the hard way that it is a very bad idea to interrupt someone
absorbed in this list,
spends the time on contemplating if not showing up at a meeting he has
convened and is supposed to
moderate might possibly have any negative effect on his career=2E
Suddenly, the label is followed by an impressive row of stamps=2E The fact=
that the total value of the
stamps is different from both the amount the lady has just mentioned and
any postage fee Frank is
aware of induces a growing feeling of panic in his stomach=2E However, the=
lady appears to be
perfectly satisfied with what he finally pays, and the panic makes way for=
tremendous relief=2E Which
would definitely be more than spoiled by Frank's pointing out that the lad=
y
has put an air mail
sticker on the package although what he paid is only enough for surface
mail=2E Strictly speaking, he
doesn't care anymore whether the parcel will ever reach the addressee or
not=2E Or whether the world
will go up in flames tomorrow=2E His only concern is getting out of here a=
s
fast as humanly possible
and trying to catch up with his sanity that he can make out just barely
somewhere at the horizon=2E
"Err=2E=2E=2E Sir? Sir?!?"
Being interrupted so rudely in the pleasant conception of how to make sure=
it would look like an
accident, it takes a little time until it dawns on Frank that a male voice=
from behind him can't
possibly be the lady's=2E
"Sir? I think you are all set!"
Frank looks questioningly at the lady=2E Arching an eyebrow, not believing=
he
can really be that
lucky=2E
The lady nods, smiling benevolently=2E "Your package has practically arriv=
ed,
Sir=2E"
"Thank you so much, Miss!"
This is how people must feel when they stand on the summit of Mt=2E Everes=
t
after climbing it barefoot
and without respiration gear=2E
Straightening his shoulders, he walks towards the entrance doors, ignoring=
the hostile looks and
hissed insults from the people in the queue=2E If you have just won a war,=
minor considerations like
this have a tendency to become utterly unimportant=2E When he passes the
young woman at the end of the
line (way past the entrance), he cheerfully informs her and her sulking
teenage daughter that the
traffic jam has dissolved a minute ago and that she can expect being serve=
d
no later than two hours
from now=2E Surprisingly, the woman doesn't seem to recognize this piece o=
f
information as the good
news it really is=2E
Quietly whistling, Frank walks back to his car=2E What a rare streak of lu=
ck
that everything went so
fast and smoothly today=2E Considering how it went last time, there's no
doubt that today is his lucky
day=2E
--=20
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